Day 1 – 28/7/2015

Where do I even begin? Day 1 of my nightmare just passed, and I’m anything but satisfied about how I did the paper. The amount of sub-questions I left blank, and the lack of authorities in my answers, oh God.

My papers last year technically had more weight considering the circumstances, because the results would determine whether or not I’m actually qualified to continue down the path to practice. I recalled the back-2-back papers for EU Law and Jurisprudence, which was definitely not a pleasant thing to face at all. At that time, for the first time in my life, I actually considered staying up for the night just to cram Jurisprudential stuffs into my poor head, and this consideration took place not even 6 hours after the EU Law paper.

While the suffering I went through worrying about how I could flush out one subject from my head in preparation for the other was considerably hellish, it was comforted by the fact that I actually felt alright after I stepped out of the exam hall. I wrote all I could, finished everything in the nick of time and handed up the paper knowing that there’s at least 4 full-fledged answers for the examiner to mark. There was light at the end of the infested tunnel.

This however, is whole new event which took a great emotional toll on me, especially the evening after the paper. My insides didn’t feel good, my mood was destroyed and all I could do was put on some D2 video stream, turn down the volume to the point where the commentaries were slightly audible and lie down on my bed staring into the ceiling. I eventually fell asleep, contrary to what I had intended to do, but really I just lost all physical control on my body. The nap didn’t improve things at all. The butterflies in my stomach were still there and yea, I just didn’t know what to do but to live through the day, waiting for the next paper.

The feeling that overwhelmed me was that I’m actually resigning to the fact that I may have failed the paper. It was a darn shitty feeling because firstly, civil procedure is one of my most disliked subjects, and the thought of having to read it again for the resit in October/November is just agitating, nerve-wrecking to say the least.

Which leads to my second qualm. In all honesty, I just want to get the CLP over and done with. It has been my goal since I finished my degree, but now when the flags are raised and the troops had marched to the battlefield, I was hit smack in the face that the war may not be going in my favour this time. So I began to assess my options.

#1 – I miraculously pass my civil paper and hopefully the rest of them as well, I go on to get my cert and be done with studies for good.

#2 – I fail the civil paper and I have to resit it in Oct/Nov. Shitty, but I’ll do what I must.

#3 – If, touch wood, I fail more than 1 paper, I’ll be given the option to either retake the entire exam July next year, or raise the white flag and call it quits.

Now #3 freaked me out the most, because I literally do not want to be stuck in this limbo where I’m at the age to work and gain experience but things like examinations and qualifications are still holding me back. I don’t know if I am willing to commit 1 entire year again to sit for the CLP. Well, I could but I will definitely feel like shit for the entire year. So I considered that if this would be the outcome, maybe I’ll retake the CLP while working. Hmm…not a good idea either. Time management is my bane, and if I don’t learn how to properly manage my priorities, doing that would be voluntary suicide, figuratively speaking.

I’m in the process of regaining my composure and shoot for #2 at the very least. I couldn’t concentrate on my books at all yesterday, and I had to talk to someone about it. Thankfully, things felt better after unleashing my worries onto my brother and my old man. Aftermath? Just do it.

Worrying and going apeshit isn’t gonna change the fact that I had submitted the paper for grading. Somewhere inside I may feel that it is pointless to go on further when I had screwed up the first paper, but I am convincing myself that life has it’s own ways to surprise me. Just do what needs to be done, and enjoy the holidays after that.

The only other thing that is worrying me is the cramming that is needed to be done especially for the coming subjects in the second week. It’s tiring, and it’s taxing on my mental health. My next paper is tomorrow and so far, I hope the information is being retained in my head. I had to take a break and type this out, in hopes that I’ll feel less stressed after this, which seems to be working thus far.

I’ll technically have a 3-days break after tomorrow, which is not much really, but it’s better than having this week’s paper ending on a Friday. I might take the day tomorrow after my paper to release these butterflies and prep myself for the final week, but we’ll see how the paper goes. Fingers crossed.

*****

Dammit, I never had so much nerves and anxiety before a major exam before. I don’t know what the trigger is, but I’m guessing it’s the bulk of the subject matter, the importance of the paper, and the feeling that I could have done better. These 3 elements do NOT mix well together. But I’m here and I can’t run away. Just do it.

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